Anyway, I've been soul searching this week. That sounds better than saying I'm having a pity party, don't ya think? I've been dieting for so long that I'm sick of it. I mean, I've literally been dieting for about 25 years now and I'm still fat. There have been days (and weeks/months) where I didn't restrict myself. But those periods only led to weight gain. Then, I shame myself back to restricting myself to lose what I gained. It's this viscous cycle of diet, lose some, stall, get depressed, eat everything, feel bad, go on yet another diet. This week I didn't feel like putting myself through the usual beating. "Eat this, don't eat that!" "Why aren't you out riding?" "Really? You think you should be eating that?" So, I ate with abandon. And now I feel like I've gained about ten pounds, Who's sorry now?
I'm not to be trusted with food. When I don't restrict myself, I eat too much. I know this. I don't have to be reminded by anyone that I can eat a lot of food when it's on my plate. And there's my mom taking inventory of how much food I have on my plate. She makes little comments about how much food some people can eat at one time. She takes four bites of something and says she's full. Of course, every time she goes to her room for something, she comes out chewing. (She has a stash of candy in there.) I sound angry, don't I? Well, I guess I am. I need to make peace with food. I just don't know what that means.
I know what to eat. I know all about exercise. I could be a nutritionist, really. All that doesn't help me to stay on the straight and narrow. For my health, I need to lose weight. For my health, I need to be active. But for my heart, I need something else. I need to find the right carrot on a stick to get me on track.
Last weekend I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Had a wonderful time. It's so pretty there and the weather was fantastic. I think I brought the good weather back with me, too. It's been cooler and drier here in Houston this week. The week before I left, I did the usual "starve to lose a few before a big trip" thing. I lost a pound or two. The same pound or two that I've been losing and gaining for the past few months. That's when it started, the overwhelming frustration. I'm so sick of this constant dieting. And yet I really do want to be thinner. (This sounds like a crazy woman's rant now.)
I'm not giving up. I'm just going to have to go at this a different way. I just have to figure out what that way is.
A crazy woman's rant?
ReplyDeleteNo.
Just one who is still searching!
I have been on Atkins, Sugarbusters, the Grapefruit Diet, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Weight Watchers; I've also done Intuitive Eating. I never found a 'magic' diet. But I learned a little something from each one until I met my goal weight with a 100 pound weight loss. But it took me years to do it. Don't let your weight control who you are as a person. You are still searching, like I was; like so many others out there. You'll get there. You will.
ReplyDeleteThanks anne h and ellen. I appreciate the support!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya, Sister! I think the trick is to take the focus away from the food and do the things we love to do not because we have to but because we want to.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm busy with anything I love doing, food just isn't a worry.
Of course I'm still blogging about it so what do I know! lol
But I definitely can relate to everything you say in this post for sure.
Hang in there and just mosy about lovin' life and who you are. I really love what ellen says above.
You're such a wonderful person, Tena!