It's about...healthy.

Yesterday at work, we had our health screening. Our insurance company offers to waive the $100 pharmacy deductible if we do the screening which amounts to your basic finger-stick and then a little machine tells you if you're healthy or not. They also measure your weight and your waist and tell you what THAT means in regards to what kind of risk you might be. I like doing this every year because it kind of gives you a chance to see that it's time to shit or get off the pot get back on track.

Some of my numbers improved, some not so much. Cholesterol was 196, HDL 39, Triglycerides 179, LDL 121, and blood sugar 97 (fasting). I don't know if the numbers improved because I was more active this year or if it's because I've been eating whatever I want. Last year I had been dieting strictly and I was 15 lbs lighter but my HDL and LDL were really bad. I'm sure it's because I've been more active. I'm just glad that my blood sugar is still in the normal range.

I think I've been a boring blog lately. I'm sorry for that. It looks like a couple of  "followers" have split and that makes me a little sad. I know that shouldn't bother me, but when I blogged often, I looked forward to the comments. It's nice to have that input and I miss it. I read a lot of blogs and I don't always comment either. I will try to work that.

Janell, thanks for reminding me to not give up on healthy. That is what it's really all about, isn't it?

Chasing Pirates

This week I was going to stop blogging. I've been eating as if we were having threat of famine. Stuffing myself, actually. And I don't even know why. I wanted to eat and so I did. Now, of course, I'm wishing I hadn't stuffed myself for days. I don't want to get on the scale...don't need to...my pants feel tighter already.

I wanted to try to have a go at food like normal people. So, I tried having a sandwich with chips. Then I had to have cookie. Then I had mac and cheese (the really good, rich kind). The next day I was out of control. I thought about food all day. I stopped by the store and bought candy and stashed it so I could eat it while no one was looking. Obviously, I still can't be trusted with food.

This dieting thing just gets to me sometimes but I'm not giving up. That's my claim to fame.

Sunday Snapshots - Albuquerque!

Here are a few pictures from my visit to Albuquerque. I could SO live there.

More pics can be seen here.

Happy Sunday!

How do I make peace with food?

I haven't had much to say lately. Which is not really all that odd. I'm really very reserved. All my life I've been told I'm shy but I don't really think of myself as being shy. I think I'm just not a talker. You know, some people always know just what to say. Not me. {cue crickets}

Anyway, I've been soul searching this week. That sounds better than saying I'm having a pity party, don't ya think? I've been dieting for so long that I'm sick of it. I mean, I've literally been dieting for about 25 years now and I'm still fat. There have been days (and weeks/months) where I didn't restrict myself. But those periods only led to weight gain. Then, I shame myself back to restricting myself to lose what I gained. It's this viscous cycle of diet, lose some, stall, get depressed, eat everything, feel bad, go on yet another diet. This week I didn't feel like putting myself through the usual beating. "Eat this, don't eat that!" "Why aren't you out riding?" "Really? You think you should be eating that?" So, I ate with abandon. And now I feel like I've gained about ten pounds, Who's sorry now?

I'm not to be trusted with food. When I don't restrict myself, I eat too much. I know this. I don't have to be reminded by anyone that I can eat a lot of food when it's on my plate. And there's my mom taking inventory of how much food I have on my plate. She makes little comments about how much food some people can eat at one time. She takes four bites of something and says she's full. Of course, every time she goes to her room for something, she comes out chewing. (She has a stash of candy in there.) I sound angry, don't I? Well, I guess I am. I need to make peace with food. I just don't know what that means.

I know what to eat. I know all about exercise. I could be a nutritionist, really. All that doesn't help me to stay on the straight and narrow. For my health, I need to lose weight. For my health, I need to be active. But for my heart, I need something else. I need to find the right carrot on a stick to get me on track.

Last weekend I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Had a wonderful time. It's so pretty there and the weather was fantastic. I think I brought the good weather back with me, too. It's been cooler and drier here in Houston this week. The week before I left, I did the usual "starve to lose a few before a big trip" thing. I lost a pound or two. The same pound or two that I've been losing and gaining for the past few months. That's when it started, the overwhelming frustration. I'm so sick of this constant dieting. And yet I really do want to be thinner. (This sounds like a crazy woman's rant now.)

I'm not giving up. I'm just going to have to go at this a different way. I just have to figure out what that way is.

Sunday Snapshots - late summer color.

Hope you're having a great day!

Rainy Day = Cool Day

It's raining like crazy today in Houston. I'm off today for Labor Day so I don't care if it rains all day. At least, it is  a nice break from the heat.

I've been busy learning my new job duties. Still at the same place, just new position. It's okay. Miss my window SO MUCH. I feel like I'm in a vault. But they'll be tearing down the building I'm in now sometime around April and then we'll all be housed in some little temporary buildings...won't that suck big-time be fun? The new building is going to be so nice it makes all this worth it. Hey, we have to focus on the positive stuff, ya know.

One of the perks of my job is that I get to travel for a planning meeting every September and then take some students on a trip every April. This school year the trip will be to Albuquerque, NM! I'm so excited!! I've never been there and we hope to take the students to Sante Fe for a little culture. The new Dean of Fine Arts and I will go to the planning meeting in a couple of weeks and while we're there we are going to take our own road trip to Sante Fe and check things out. I can't wait! So, if you've been to that area and have a fav spot, please tell me about it and any tips you might have.

I'm still struggling along with my diet. I seem to be stuck in that place where you lose a couple then gain them right back. Soooo, frustrating. Has anyone tried The Fat Flush Plan? I would like to bust through this plateau and drop of few pounds before my trip so I'm thinking about buying this book and give it a try.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much. Thanks for sticking with me!

Have a great week :-)

Where's the duct tape?

Seriously, where IS the duct tape? I need to put it over my mouth. I've made it through today doing South Beach. No sugar. No starch. But I'm feeling the pull and it's only 6:20 pm. I'll be going to bed early tonight if it gets too bad. I will not give in. Sugar will not tempt me. Sugar will not tempt me...

Tomorrow is the first day of school. The new freshmen will be roaming the halls and looking like scared rabbits. The seniors will be feeling freedom on the horizon and the rest of the kids will just be excited to be back. I love the first day of school. My new job has me more involved with the students and I like that. It's going to be a great year.

No ride today. It came a gully-washer, which was good enough to cool things down, but not good timing.

Take care and don't forget to watch out for school zones.

Mad Me

Not Mad Men, (though I do watch that total awesomeness) mad me. I've been acting slightly mad these days. I've disgusted myself with the way I behave with food. I've consumed entire packages of processed crap. Lots of candy and anything else that's edible. I'm quite the binge artist. Not quite the "artist" title I've been hoping to launch on this here blog. But, I've taken note of it and honestly, I'm tired of eating. Hmmm. Have you ever said that before? I don't even want to get on the scale and I think I won't for the first week. I weighed myself last week and I'd gained back almost all of what I worked so hard to lose over the summer. Pathetic.

So, this week is all about flushing the madness. I'm going to go back to my low carb way of eating, a la, South Beach style, and I know the first two weeks are going to be rough. Coming down off all this sugar will be a b*tch, but I can do it. Hmph, I've done it a thousand times. Maybe something will click this time so I won't keep repeating this reckless behavior. I do care about myself. I do want to be a healthy individual. I do want to go kayaking...someday.

I made my veggie quiche cups (from the original SB book) and bought my string cheese. Being prepared is the most important thing for me. And now that we work from 7:30am to 4pm the day is long, long, long for a snacker like me. I'll be getting back to riding, too. Yep, it's hot out, but I sweat anyway so why not ride?

A few years ago I started knitting a sock. The other day I found it in my knitting projects bag (you know, every knitter has several unfinished objects going at one time :-)) and I'm working on finishing it. Gives me something to do with my hands besides stuff my face.

Hope you have a wonderful week. And don't forget to drink your water.

You know you're out of shape when...

You throw your back out giving yourself a pedicure! That's what I did today. All was fine when I got up. Then I looked at my pitiful looking toes and went to work on making them pretty. I propped my foot up on the bathroom vanity and stayed that way while clipping, filing, polishing, etc. Then when I went to put my foot down on the floor...Crap, my back just froze up and I could hardly move. So today I've been laying around, sitting around, popping some pills and that's about it. Not exactly what I had planned.

I'm in a better frame of mind, though. Thanks to all who offered support. I appreciate this caring group so much. I've been thinking that  I need to find some creative ways to spend my time. Maybe starting an art journal or a photo blog. Or I might change the name of this blog and just mix it up. Who knows. I just know I need to be creative. I used to draw and write a lot and I want to get back to it.

Hope you have a great weekend. Take care.

What can I say?

eta: Sorry, this is kind of a downer post. Feel free to move on to another blog.

I don't even know what to say. I've been on vacation from work for the last two weeks and I seem to have checked out completely. I'm bored with focusing on losing weight. I'm depressed and blamed it on lack of carbs. It's so freakin' hot that just thinking of exercise makes me sweat. I'm drinking lots of coffee. Having lots of hot flashes. Nothing seems interesting. I've been reading blogs and wishing I was there.

I liked doing low carb, but I cut back my calories too much. I'm so sick of feeling like my whole life is about what I can't eat or what I should eat. I feel lonely and sad most days and it's my own fault. When you put up a wall, people tend to stay away. I'm not sure of anything any more.

Going back to work tomorrow will bring structure back to my day. Maybe I can get a grip. I do want to be healthy. I'm just tired of always feeling like I'll never there.