Not the sum total.

I need to take the focus off food and dieting. Lately, I've felt that dieting is the sum total of my life. There is so much more to me than weighing and measuring food and hoping to wear a smaller size by x amount of time. So, I'm signing up for a writing challenge over at Reverb10. 

"Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. Use the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead."


I like the daily prompts, like today's prompt is:

December 7 – Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I have discovered a wonderful community online of bloggers. They are more than bloggers to me. They are friends. People that genuinely care about others. They take the time to leave a comment of support when they "see" a need. They share their life and sometimes they even share their things (love those giveaways!). I'm glad I joined this community of bloggers and look forward to "meeting" more in 2011.

In the last year, I've drifted away from my church. Not my faith, it never waivers. But I do miss the community of believers, sometimes. My soul seeks the strength that comes from faith shared.

In 2011, I want to be a more active member of my community. In words, in actions, and in efforts.

It goes on.

Some days, I don't want to put on the happy face. No one can make me happy but me, I know that. I simply don't know how to anymore. I think I'm stressed out and tired of my life, or lack of one.

Work has not been ideal. A co-worker has been absent for something she elected to do. Not cosmetic surgery, but something she's known she wanted to have done for awhile now. She's off during the summer and you would think that she would have done it during her time off. But that's when she and her husband choose to travel to exotic places. So, doing her work and mine has me stressed out. I've been angry over it and of course I take my anger out on myself. And I don't dare complain. I need my job and I like MY job. It's just that I always seem to be doing her job and mine.

I tried to get a diet plan in the works. Every time I look at a diet menu, I get pissed off. I used to be really good at getting my mind prepared for eating less, but lately, it just pisses me off. I'm burned out. I'm pissed (have I said that enough times?). I'm afraid I'm giving up on myself. Maybe I need some antidepressants. Or a shot of tequila. The candy I've been eating just isn't doing for me anymore.

Sorry, my posting has been almost non-existent and then I share this. It goes on...life that is.

Resilience

Last Saturday, my mom was fine one minute, and very sick the next. She was throwing up and then had the other thing that sometimes follows throwing up. I'm not going to say it here, but I'm sure you can figure it out. Then on Sunday, things got worse. As you know, I don't like talking about poop, but she was having some bleeding along with the other issue.  I called her doctor and was told we should take her to the ER. She was seen right away, but it took hours before they could get her in a room. The ER doctor said she needed a colonoscopy, and depending on what the outcome of that was she might need other tests.

So, Sunday night she had to drink the GoLytely stuff, 8 oz every 10 minutes until the gallon or so of the crap is gone. Right, getting her to drink it and getting her up and down to "go" was about the most disgusting fun I've had in years. I haven't had a colonoscopy yet, (I know, it's past time, ugh) but going through this (again) with her does not make this appeal to me in the least. As a matter of fact, I don't think I'll ever have one. Nope. People lived for years without having to go through this humiliation. (Please, just let me have this moment. I will have one...someday.)

She had this same thing a few years ago, ischemic colitis. Apparently, pretty common in older folks. The doctor said her colon looked fine other than this flare up. He prescribed an antibiotic and sent her home. What a relief it was knowing 1) she would be good as new soon, and 2) her colonoscopy is done.

For Thanksgiving this year, we decided to take things easy. Dropped off the turkey at Hickory Pit Bar-B-Que to get smoked, picked up some sides and dressing from Luby's and I cooked some green beans a-la skillet style. Everything was delish and we have limited leftovers and hardly any time was spent in the kitchen.

I didn't get the week off that I had planned, but it's all good. Mom and I laughed till our sides hurt during her prep at the hospital. And we both were resilient this week :)

Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'm happy to have you here and wish you the best. I'm going to watch Eat Pray Love tonight and swoon over Javier ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Thanksgiving Day is a day

for our thoughts to

be on what is most

important.

Love, family, friendships,
peace, health.

I pray that you have

a wonderful day of thanksgiving

and more blessings than

you can count.

I'm thankful for so much...

today and everyday.

Mindless Eating

We are supposed to practice mindful eating not mindless eating, but this week my stress level was up pretty high. I had to fill in for the Head Master's assistant while she's out having knee surgery. My executive skills are a bit rusty so I was a bit tense around the shoulders (you know, the shoulders in the ears trick?). Then a woman in my own department had to have some weird neck surgery today so she was out and handling her job along with filling in for the Head's assistant has made me a nervous wreck. On the inside. No one sees that I'm nervous. They all think I'm calm, cool, and in control.

Night before last I dropped my tripod on my toe. The one next to my big toe. Hurt so bad I almost cried. I don't cry easy any more, so let's just say it hurt like a mother really, really bad. The day before that I got a fever blister on my lip. Haven't had one of those in about a year. Stress? Um-hum. Last night I went to bed at 8:30pm. A new record for me. And when the alarm went off at 5:45am, I felt like I could sleep another hour or two.

Tomorrow morning I have to help my mom with a craft sale. She got this brilliant idea to make jewelry and sell it. Of course, I'm getting roped into helping her...this time. If she has more of these, I explained to her that I'm not that interested in making this a regular Saturday event. She understands. I'm just worried about myself and my inability to say no. It's a simple word, but I have a lot of trouble saying it.

I think I might have to bow out of the challenge. I've not really been into keeping track of calories or passing on dessert. Might be BS, but this week will have to go down as a royal waste of time. Better luck next week.

Now that I've whined about stuff (and read over what I just wrote) let me take a moment to say what I'm thankful for:

1. I'm thankful that people at work have faith in me to do whatever is asked.
2. I'm thankful the tripod didn't hit my big toe :)
3. I'm thankful that my mom is still trying to be a participant in life.
4. I'm thankful for blogger friends.
5. I'm thankful for second chances.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care of yourself.

Reel it in.

Last week, I joined with lots of folks to do Allan's Double Dog Dare You Challenge. In all my excitement to try something new I seem to have forgotten what I'm trying to achieve here. I counted calories, check. I drank my water, check. I ate sensibly, no, not so much. I ate things that were really higher in fat and sugars than I know my body needs. And as a result, over the weekend I kinda indulged in too many treats. My calories per day were more than they should have been. I have to get a grip or these two weeks will be a total loss. And not a weight loss, if you know what I mean.

I'm a little frustrated with myself. I have to stop eating things like chips and stick with real food. It's just been so long since I let myself eat chips that I went a little overboard. Time to reel it back in and make better food choices. I know what to eat. And here's where I tell it like it is...I just wanted to eat junk.

No more BS.

I have a clicker! and DDDY Challenge Update

I know most of you have been keylessly opening car doors for-like-ever, but for me it's about the most exciting thing to happen since...getting power windows :) I took my CR-V to Honda yesterday to get my locks fixed. Turns out that to replace the locks in the doors and re-key the ignition, after parts and labor it would have cost me just under $600!!! Whaaaaa? So, I asked them about installing keyless entry. The price for keyless was about half of what getting new locks cost. I couldn't believe my ears. A couple of years ago I had asked them how much going keyless was and it was like $400+. Anyway, they had to order the part, which came in today so I went back and got it installed. I now have a clicker. All afternoon I locked and unlocked. Silly, I know, but I'm thrilled! I love my CR-V and now I love her even more.

Food today got a little on the high side, carb-wise, but still came in okay for calories. Inquiring minds want to know what I'm eating, so Tamzin, here's what I had today:

Coffee with creamer  - 35 cals
Raisin Bran cereal  - 110 cals
2% milk, half cup  - 60 cals
peanuts  - 105 cals
Turkey/provolone sandwich on wheat/rye
with mayo, lettuce, tomatoes  400 cals
bag of chips (I know)  - 200
grapes  - 60 cals
3 York patties  - 150 cals
popcorn @ Honda - 55 cals
Tyson Brisket  - 140 cals
carrots  - 30 cals
Steamfresh roasted potatoes  - 140 cals
slice of sour dough bread  - 110
ginger snaps  - 140 cals

Todays grand total:  1735

Something I'm noticing about not restricting certain foods is...I feel in control. I am striving to make healthier choices, but just knowing that as long as what I eat fits into my daily total, I don't get all down on myself. Usually, I'm so busy thinking about what I can't have that I don't think about what I can have. Cool.

Hope you have an awesome day. Drink your water!!

Wanna burn more calories?

Get mad. I was pretty ticked about something today so to take care of all that anger I got out the vacuum cleaner when I got home from work and went to town. I think I hit an all time record for fastest vacuuming on a Tuesday night! That had to burn up some calories. I'm calming down now sorta kinda no not really, but still need to figure out how to deal with what's bugging me. Ah, well, on to other things.

I felt a bit tempted today to cheat and ate 3 York Peppermint Patties (for 150 cals-they were the little ones). I added those calories in to my total so I wouldn't go over. I'm not even hungry for dinner (I think it's still the anger issue) so I'm going to focus on drinking my water and getting to bed at a decent hour. I don't ever - and I mean ever - willingly go to bed. It's a real habit of mine - avoiding sleep. Then once I'm finally in bed and it's dark and cool and relaxing, I'm glad to be there. Weird, I know.

I'm taking my car in to the dealership tomorrow. I don't have keyless entry and for the last month my key won't open the driver side door. I've been opening the passenger side and using a cane (my late uncle's old cane), I reach over and flip the lock up so the doors will unlock. I'm sure it's hilarious to watch ;) Anyhoo, now the passenger side door is acting up and I refuse to crawl in through the back (it's a CR-V). So, bright and early I'll be there to see what this little item is gonna cost. I wish I'd gotten keyless entry, but 7 years ago when I bought my little cutie, I was so excited to get a new car that I didn't even think about it.

Hope you are drinking your water and tallying those calories!

Weigh-In for Allan's Double Dog Dare You Challenge

Today is the first day of Allen's Double Dog Dare You Challenge! I'm excited about having a plan to get me started again.

Current weight:  252.8

Goal (for now):  170

My calories for the day (each and every day):  1870

Wow! That's a lot of calories! Yay! Nom.Nom.

Thanks, Allan, for the motivation to get back at it. So far today, I've done great with my food and water. And, I found a cool App for my iPhone called DailyBurn. I love me some healthy apps. I have the free version right now. I may be interested in the paid version if I need more help with workouts.

If you want to check out Allan's challenge you can find it here. 

I'm taking Allen's Challenge!

Thanks to Tamzin, I found Allen's challenge! It's just what I need to get me back on track. Surely, I can commit to two weeks! 


It all seems totally do-able, too. Here are the rules if you want to join in:

CHALLENGE RULES

• YOUR DAILY CALORIC INTAKE IS YOUR GOAL WEIGHT X 11
• EVERYTHING YOU INGEST COUNTS AND NEEDS TO BE RECORDED
• YOU DRINK 64 OUNCES OF WATER DAILY
• NO CHEATING AND NO BULLSHIT
• 2 WEEKS, STARTING 10/25/2010
• WEIGH IN MONDAY MORNING AND WEIGH IN 11/8/2010