Sunday, October 28, 2012

Testing Myself (not a good idea)

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm done losing. I feel good at 143, although I'm at 144.2 right now, ugh. For the last two weeks I tried having a few starchy (S) foods in my diet and it really stirred up my old cravings. I got a little worried that I wouldn't be able to reel myself back in. But pulling on my size 10 pants reminded me of how good it feels to have lost the weight. To feel so healthy is way more important to me than having potato chips. Yes, that is what I seemed to crave more than anything and I never used to eat them. Weird, huh?!

Been reading Refuse to Regain and it is turning out to be just what I needed. I had seen this book at Amazon for awhile, but wasn't sure it would be the right book for me. I've spent so much money on diet books in the past and didn't want to waste more money. But after reading some of Karen's blogs over at her blog, Garden Girl, I knew this book would be worth the investment. This is not just a diet book. It is a change your ideas about eating book. And it helped me get perspective over my eating for these last two weeks.

I don't know why, but last weekend I started feeling sad and depressed about never eating bread and chips and crackers so I got some gluten free crackers and bought some baked potato chips and some sugar free candy. Well, disaster is putting it mildly. I fell head first into my old binge routine. I got scared, really scared. I saw the scale go up a couple of pounds in just a few days. I felt like I had no control. That was the most scary part. I wanted to eat all the time. What a nightmare I created for myself. What was I thinking. The regret and pain I felt over what I had done was not worth it. Not at all.

I have much to learn about myself and food. The one thing I know for sure...I do not want to regain my weight and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen. So, if it means that S foods are for special occasions, then that is what I'll do. Or if it means that some foods are never to be eaten again, then that is what I'll do. I love what Dr. Berkeley says about diets of conviction. If I were a vegan or vegetarian, no one would question my choice of not eating meat. So, if I choose not to eat grains or sugar as my diet of conviction, there should be no questioning why. It's what I want for myself and I have no judgement for anyone else. I have to do what is right for me and realize that this is not a punishment. It is a choice I'm making for my health.

Of course, wearing size 10 clothes makes it worth it, too! We are having some nice autumn-like weather (finally) and I can't wait to wear my boots with my new dress!

*graphic from this site.

3 comments:

  1. wearing a smaller size does make it worth it!!! this week one of the girls that has worked for me for only a few months was shown an old picture of me.... her jaw was on the floor :)

    so worth it!!! who needs chips!!

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