Saturday, March 16, 2013

Still Learning

I haven't handled things well lately. I've been maintaing a ten pound gain as a result of eating chips and sugary foods that I know are not good for me. I feel like I've been slipping back into that mode of  "oh well, I can lose this in no time" which is so not how I wanted to behave during maintenance. I lost all this weight and I don't want to lose it again. I'm at my scream weight and I have just ignored it. My emotions have taken over and I have got to reel them in and get a grip. I've worked too hard to let things that are out of my control get the better of me.

My son was here from Chin@ for his break (2 months) and we had a wonderful time. We spent some good times together, talking about his future. He is planning to teach in Chin@ for another year and then maybe teach somewhere else. He is pretty certain he will be engaged soon, and while I'm extremely happy for him, I'm also extremely sad. I have been trying to convince myself that I AM happy about him being on the other side of the world for months and months, but deep down I don't think I like it. Not for so long a time. I would never tell him that, of course. He sold his car while he was here and that really hit home that he will be gone for a long time. And as much I love to travel, I just can't afford to do it as often as I would like which is a total bummer.

I have started knitting again. I taught myself to knit after nine eleven to help calm my nerves. And I know that my son being out of the country for awhile is not cause for alarm, it still makes me feel anxious and sad. It came to me yesterday that those are the feelings I've been stuffing, so to speak. Maybe talking about it here will help me see that "stuffing" myself will not help me feel better. In fact, it has made me feel worse.

I will be doing very low-carb until I get back down from my scream weight. I have learned something from all this and that is that I have to keep practicing at maintenance. And that maintenance doesn't just involve food. It involves my emotions and how I deal with them. Having been an emotional eater, I still need to learn how to deal with things without turning to food.

By the way, thank you to all who have left such nice comments! I appreciate it!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Maintenance Takes Practice

I've been a little loose with my eating lately and I feel it. I feel it in my body: aches in joints and headaches. I feel it in my clothing: things feel tight around the tummy (a sure sign of bloat and gain). Time to re-think what I've been doing lately.

When the holidays came around, I strayed in my eating and had some things made with wheat flour and sugar. I thought I was in control. Ha! It appears when I add those things into my diet, I'm never really in control. One thing leads to another and pretty soon I'm eating all kinds of foods I've said I don't want to part of my eating plan. Why? Peer pressure. Yep, I felt left out when everyone was eating chips and salsa and flautas and cookies. I wanted to eat the sugary things that my mom (and I) made for my son when he arrived home from China. And so I ate them. And now I feel like crap. The worst part...I knew I would but did it anyway!

Part of me wants to eliminate wheat and sugar completely from my diet. But part of me just can't let go of it. But for now, this early in maintenance, I think it best for me to stick a cleaner diet. The few pounds I've gained are proof that as a previously over-weight person, I can put it back on quickly. I do not want to go back to that lifestyle. I love being thin and feeling good. Having energy to burn beats headaches and bloat anyday!

I'm posting these pictures to remind myself of what poor eating does to me. I refuse to regain!

By the way, I have another blog. Sort of a gratitude, photo blog. If interested, you can find it here.

Take care,

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Happy Birthday...

Today is my birthday! I've had a great day. Lunch with friends, homemade tortilla soup (made by my mom) for dinner and a low carb key lime pie for dessert (also made by my mom).

I asked for a low key evening and it was perfect. The best part was sitting out back around the fire pit with my son, making smores, and talking.

Loved it. Love them.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Happy New Year...2013

Well, I had every intention of doing a post about my intention for 2013. But here we are nearly a week into the new year and I'm just getting to it.  The goal for this year is to focus on maintianing my weightloss. I plan to stick to my low carb, mostly flour free diet since that seems to keep me in control of what I eat. But I don't want this year to be just about maintaining. I want this to be a year of actively going after the life I see for myself. The word "engage" keeps popping up in my head. Not the kind of engage where there is a ring involved, haha. But being engaged (in life) and not afraid to get out there and risk being myself. I've spent many years under layers of fat (for whatever reason) and now I want to participate. Not sure yet what all that means and I don't think it will be easy. Letting go of the comfortable, familiar life is scary. But I'm daring myself to just do it!

I've been off work for two weeks for Christmas break. I started off very disciplined with my eating and exercising. Then it slowly started. The food creep that I read about here. I am not happy about it. I've gained a few and feel bloated and I've even been sick for the first time in a long time with a cold. I just know it is related to my bad food choices. Sugar, wheat flour, salty chips. Oh, I've had it all. It began with just a few bites, and I was so proud of myself for being in control. Then I had candy and cookies. My mother was making goodies to "gift" our friends and family, only I ended up eating some of it. And for the last few days the binge-crave-monster has been lurking around. I'm done. I miss feeling good and most of all, I miss looking myself in the eye and feeling no shame.

So, this year will be about maintaining and getting out of the comfort zone. I will keep my promise to myself to treat myself with care and love. I will be daring.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Let's make it a good one!

Friday, November 23, 2012

The day after...

Thanksgiving...I am thankful for having my mom still with me. Thankful for skyping to see my son's sweet face while he's on the other side of the world. Thankful for so much. Even if I ate too many carbs, I feel okay with that knowing that I don't feel the urge to binge or continue carb loading.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Calling all plant lovers...

Can anyone tell me what the name of this flowering plant is? I saw it while walking the dog and I must have one. I didn't take the time to ask the owner and Sydney would have barked her head off anyway, haha.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Testing Myself (not a good idea)

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm done losing. I feel good at 143, although I'm at 144.2 right now, ugh. For the last two weeks I tried having a few starchy (S) foods in my diet and it really stirred up my old cravings. I got a little worried that I wouldn't be able to reel myself back in. But pulling on my size 10 pants reminded me of how good it feels to have lost the weight. To feel so healthy is way more important to me than having potato chips. Yes, that is what I seemed to crave more than anything and I never used to eat them. Weird, huh?!

Been reading Refuse to Regain and it is turning out to be just what I needed. I had seen this book at Amazon for awhile, but wasn't sure it would be the right book for me. I've spent so much money on diet books in the past and didn't want to waste more money. But after reading some of Karen's blogs over at her blog, Garden Girl, I knew this book would be worth the investment. This is not just a diet book. It is a change your ideas about eating book. And it helped me get perspective over my eating for these last two weeks.

I don't know why, but last weekend I started feeling sad and depressed about never eating bread and chips and crackers so I got some gluten free crackers and bought some baked potato chips and some sugar free candy. Well, disaster is putting it mildly. I fell head first into my old binge routine. I got scared, really scared. I saw the scale go up a couple of pounds in just a few days. I felt like I had no control. That was the most scary part. I wanted to eat all the time. What a nightmare I created for myself. What was I thinking. The regret and pain I felt over what I had done was not worth it. Not at all.

I have much to learn about myself and food. The one thing I know for sure...I do not want to regain my weight and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't happen. So, if it means that S foods are for special occasions, then that is what I'll do. Or if it means that some foods are never to be eaten again, then that is what I'll do. I love what Dr. Berkeley says about diets of conviction. If I were a vegan or vegetarian, no one would question my choice of not eating meat. So, if I choose not to eat grains or sugar as my diet of conviction, there should be no questioning why. It's what I want for myself and I have no judgement for anyone else. I have to do what is right for me and realize that this is not a punishment. It is a choice I'm making for my health.

Of course, wearing size 10 clothes makes it worth it, too! We are having some nice autumn-like weather (finally) and I can't wait to wear my boots with my new dress!

*graphic from this site.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Taking Care of Business (and cats and dogs)

It's one month past my Medifast-iversary and I'm doing great. Finding a weight to call it quits is still in the works. I feel good at 143, which is lower my original goal weight of 158 which was my "just get to a healthy BMI" weight. But, I keep feeling like I still have some fat stores in abdomen area. But for now, I'm tippy-toeing into maintenance. Yay!

So my son is in China! He's been there a month already. I can hardly believe he is there. Haven't talked much, Skype is tricky as he is 13 hours ahead of me and his mornings are my evenings and he's never been a talker in the morning. But he's sending newsletter-type details and it's so fun to read about what he's doing. Makes me want to pack up everything and follow his lead. Not sure China would be my choice as squatty-potties don't appeal :) But, I'm envious of the adventure and so proud of him for going for it!

The week he left was a whirlwind. He had not really taken steps to move out of his apartment so the last few days he was here were spent with us moving, packing, and cleaning. I lost a couple of pounds just helping him get out of the worlds tiniest apartment that holds so much stuff. And now I'm foster parent to his kitten. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't say no. I've never been good at saying no when it comes to animals. So, Sydney and the new kitten, Shelby, are mortal enemies and I don't know how long it's going to take for them to learn to get along. Oh, the things we do as moms, right?

In other news, if you're a woman and want a truly humiliating interesting experience...lose 100+ lbs and go shopping for a bra. Of course, being a woman of a certain age makes it even more humiliating interesting. Nothing is quite where it used to be and things just don't fit they way you want them to. But, I did finally compromise and found a size that lifted and separated with out leaving too much hanging out the sides. I'm so happy to be thinner, though, that this is the last thing I spend much energy on worrying over.

I started taking Jazzer-cise last week and LOVE it! It's going to take awhile for me to get the moves down, and I have to limit some of the jumping around since my knees are low on cartilage, but they really work your abs and arms and back. All areas that I'm in need of toning. Bike riding and doing the elliptical are great for cardio, but this body needs more than that. 

Hope your week goes well. We are going to have our first touch of cooler (well, for southeast Texas) weather and I am so ready for it.

Take care!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Focus, Food, and Breathing

I'm still focused on losing a few more pounds, but I've started working towards weening myself off the Medifast foods. I will start maintenance soon after I reach my goal weight (which at this time is still undecided) but I think my diet will stay low-carb and be sans bread for awhile. Bread is a trigger food for me so it will have to be something I have only on occasion. At least, that's my plan for now. I have a different attitude about food now that I've actually lost weight successfully. I like being thin too much to throw it all away just for the sake of eating :) Of course, I feel successful right now, but maintaining it will be an on-going quest.

Have you tried Tofu Shirataki Noodles? I tried them awhile back and I didn't like them at all. I may not have realized that you need to rinse them several times and then parboil before using them but that is key for getting them to taste good. I used them in my favorite kind of dish - add this and this and this, and wah-la, you have dinner. I first added a little olive oil to a pan, threw in some left over broccoli, veggie meatballs, and the drained noodles. Then spiced it up with a little seasoning and a Laughing Cow cheese triangle (queso flavor as it's my favorite). Once the cheese melts, it's ready. Then I sprinkled a little bit of grated parmesan cheese on top. Very good and filling.

Have I mentioned that my son will be leaving for China soon. *gasp*  I can hardly breathe when I say that. Not because I'm worried, only because China so freaking far away. He's taking a teaching position there and plans to stay for a year. So, I'll be saving and scrimping so I can go visit him. I raised him to be adventurous, so this is good. It just happened so suddenly...well, I've know he wanted to go for months now, but he leaves at the end of this month! I need to practice breathing...

I signed up for a charity bike ride for next month. It's Tour de Pink which is part of the Pink Ribbons Project, an organization that helps underserved women get mammograms and care they need. I rode this one in 2009 and am excited to ride it again. I don't have a road bike, but my hybrid should do fine for the 23 mile route. I was overweight back in 2009 so I'm excited to see how different the riding will be now that I'm 100+ lbs lighter! If you want to make a donation and help me reach my fundraising goal, please click here.

Hope your week is full of promise!