Saturday, March 16, 2013

Still Learning

I haven't handled things well lately. I've been maintaing a ten pound gain as a result of eating chips and sugary foods that I know are not good for me. I feel like I've been slipping back into that mode of  "oh well, I can lose this in no time" which is so not how I wanted to behave during maintenance. I lost all this weight and I don't want to lose it again. I'm at my scream weight and I have just ignored it. My emotions have taken over and I have got to reel them in and get a grip. I've worked too hard to let things that are out of my control get the better of me.

My son was here from Chin@ for his break (2 months) and we had a wonderful time. We spent some good times together, talking about his future. He is planning to teach in Chin@ for another year and then maybe teach somewhere else. He is pretty certain he will be engaged soon, and while I'm extremely happy for him, I'm also extremely sad. I have been trying to convince myself that I AM happy about him being on the other side of the world for months and months, but deep down I don't think I like it. Not for so long a time. I would never tell him that, of course. He sold his car while he was here and that really hit home that he will be gone for a long time. And as much I love to travel, I just can't afford to do it as often as I would like which is a total bummer.

I have started knitting again. I taught myself to knit after nine eleven to help calm my nerves. And I know that my son being out of the country for awhile is not cause for alarm, it still makes me feel anxious and sad. It came to me yesterday that those are the feelings I've been stuffing, so to speak. Maybe talking about it here will help me see that "stuffing" myself will not help me feel better. In fact, it has made me feel worse.

I will be doing very low-carb until I get back down from my scream weight. I have learned something from all this and that is that I have to keep practicing at maintenance. And that maintenance doesn't just involve food. It involves my emotions and how I deal with them. Having been an emotional eater, I still need to learn how to deal with things without turning to food.

By the way, thank you to all who have left such nice comments! I appreciate it!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Maintenance Takes Practice

I've been a little loose with my eating lately and I feel it. I feel it in my body: aches in joints and headaches. I feel it in my clothing: things feel tight around the tummy (a sure sign of bloat and gain). Time to re-think what I've been doing lately.

When the holidays came around, I strayed in my eating and had some things made with wheat flour and sugar. I thought I was in control. Ha! It appears when I add those things into my diet, I'm never really in control. One thing leads to another and pretty soon I'm eating all kinds of foods I've said I don't want to part of my eating plan. Why? Peer pressure. Yep, I felt left out when everyone was eating chips and salsa and flautas and cookies. I wanted to eat the sugary things that my mom (and I) made for my son when he arrived home from China. And so I ate them. And now I feel like crap. The worst part...I knew I would but did it anyway!

Part of me wants to eliminate wheat and sugar completely from my diet. But part of me just can't let go of it. But for now, this early in maintenance, I think it best for me to stick a cleaner diet. The few pounds I've gained are proof that as a previously over-weight person, I can put it back on quickly. I do not want to go back to that lifestyle. I love being thin and feeling good. Having energy to burn beats headaches and bloat anyday!

I'm posting these pictures to remind myself of what poor eating does to me. I refuse to regain!

By the way, I have another blog. Sort of a gratitude, photo blog. If interested, you can find it here.

Take care,

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Happy Birthday...

Today is my birthday! I've had a great day. Lunch with friends, homemade tortilla soup (made by my mom) for dinner and a low carb key lime pie for dessert (also made by my mom).

I asked for a low key evening and it was perfect. The best part was sitting out back around the fire pit with my son, making smores, and talking.

Loved it. Love them.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A Happy New Year...2013

Well, I had every intention of doing a post about my intention for 2013. But here we are nearly a week into the new year and I'm just getting to it.  The goal for this year is to focus on maintianing my weightloss. I plan to stick to my low carb, mostly flour free diet since that seems to keep me in control of what I eat. But I don't want this year to be just about maintaining. I want this to be a year of actively going after the life I see for myself. The word "engage" keeps popping up in my head. Not the kind of engage where there is a ring involved, haha. But being engaged (in life) and not afraid to get out there and risk being myself. I've spent many years under layers of fat (for whatever reason) and now I want to participate. Not sure yet what all that means and I don't think it will be easy. Letting go of the comfortable, familiar life is scary. But I'm daring myself to just do it!

I've been off work for two weeks for Christmas break. I started off very disciplined with my eating and exercising. Then it slowly started. The food creep that I read about here. I am not happy about it. I've gained a few and feel bloated and I've even been sick for the first time in a long time with a cold. I just know it is related to my bad food choices. Sugar, wheat flour, salty chips. Oh, I've had it all. It began with just a few bites, and I was so proud of myself for being in control. Then I had candy and cookies. My mother was making goodies to "gift" our friends and family, only I ended up eating some of it. And for the last few days the binge-crave-monster has been lurking around. I'm done. I miss feeling good and most of all, I miss looking myself in the eye and feeling no shame.

So, this year will be about maintaining and getting out of the comfort zone. I will keep my promise to myself to treat myself with care and love. I will be daring.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Let's make it a good one!