Friday, July 10, 2009

The Road is Long

I haven't had much to say this week because I've been pondering some thoughts.

  • To weigh or not to weigh?

  • Can I hang in for the very long, long journey to thinsville this time?

  • Am I enjoying any of these lifestyle changes?

  • Who will I be when I get there?

Honestly, this week I've stepped on the scale and first saw a loss, then saw a gain, then a loss. Well, that wasn't fun. NOT. And, I've been on my bike everyday and eaten well staying within my calorie limit with a good deficit at the end of each day. So what's the deal with that? I think my body is on strike. It's quite the rebel. My thyroid is already kaput, what else can go wrong?

And, the more I think about posting my loss (if I had a loss to post, that is) I kinda feel like I'm bragging. I don't want to wave my loss in the face of someone that didn't have a loss. Some of you (Karen) have thrown out your scale?! Geez, woman, I wish I could bring myself to do that! I'm so confused. I'm also terrified that I'm never going to lose all this weight.

It's just not happening fast enough for me. I've spent so much time in this full figured body (doncha like how I said that?) and I'm worried that I'll never get the thinner, healthier body that I keep dreaming about. I know what to do, and I'm doing it, but my patience is running dry like the summer we're having having in Texas.

I'm enjoying the healthier foods that I'm eating. I eat more fruit and veggies, which I like. I never had a soda problem so that's never been an issue for me. Of course, I do have my daily coffee habit to contend with but I'm working on that. And lately, maybe since it's so blasted hot, I've been wanting ice cream. So, Blue Bell has a great no sugar added low-fat vanilla that I dip into a few times a week. Still, it fits into my calories so I figure as long as I'm eating healthy stuff, no damage done.

I've lost weight many times before. All my adult life I've been "losing" weight. I lost weight each summer to wear a swimsuit. I lost weight so I could wear a size 8 wedding dress. I lost weight after I had my son so my husband would stop having an affair. That didn't work, obviously, and he's been out of the picture for 24 years. After my divorce I went into hiding and I've been there ever since.

Most of my weightloss in the past has been aimed at seeking acceptance. I don't feel that way this time. This is new territory for me and it's kinda freaking me out. It'll be a new me, not just in body size, but I hope in my attitude. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin - for me. I don't think I've ever felt that way.

See what happens when I don't have much to say for days?! Anyways, there's a new me taking shape. It's just taking longer than I'd hoped!


  1. As we all know, one size does not fit all. That goes for the path each of chooses for our individual journey.
    To scale or not to scale? It's whatever works for you. Don't feel guilty if you post a loss. You will have earned it. It's your loss. Each of us is responsible for our own stuff.

    I certainly don't have the answers, but I do know that I want to be happy with myself, irrespective of how I look, and the scale or the tag in my pants CANNOT do that for me. That is an inside job.

    I wish you peace.

  2. I threw out my scale long ago. It's a number that changes every time you drink a glass of water. Weight for me is a range - not a pinpoint on a map.

    "The road is long" with many a winding turn,
    That leads us to, who knows where, who knows when.
    ...remember that song? HE AIN'T HEAVY! (Rufus Wainwright)

  3. Thought you might like this from Ms. Jillian:

    "Over time, exercise provides a major boost to your confidence. As you start working out and getting stronger, your sense of strength in other aspects of your life will naturally flourish as well. To put it another way, if you can survive my workouts, you can do anything — and when you feel that sense of empowerment, nothing will be able to stand between you and the life you want to live."

    Keep on pedaling!

  4. I'm glad you've had the time to ponder this week, Tena.

    I wouldn't feel guilty about posting a loss at all ... it's something to celebrate.

    About the time it's taking to get "there" ... the time will pass anyway. How do we want to spend it?
    Sure, who wouldn't want it gone in a year's time but it doesn't seem as though that's worked for us. Perhaps we really do need to go at it slower to reach our goals.
    As you say, you are eating very well and biking everyday. You are doing everything right. Trust that your body will make the adjustments.
    I think the key is that you are doing this for yourself this time and no one else.
    Keep at it. Never give up.

  5. Please be patient. Nothing will ambush your efforts and progress like impatience. I try to eat too little, then I binge. It's taken me a year to lose 40 pounds, and in less than 10, I'll be "normal weight" (BMI-wise, IRL I'm still big). It's tough for me not to push it, but I step on the scale every day, and it's slowly inching down, so I back off.

    I don't envy you the heat, but I wouldn't mind not having to wear thermals for an outdoor concert in July. At least I didn't need gloves, that's how I know it's not winter.

  6. Roxie - I got the book you mentioned to me, "Something More," and will be reading it this weekend. It looks full of great wisdom.

    anne h - I was totally thinking of that song when I wrote the title!

    Lee - Thanks for the Jillian bit of advice. I'm riding everyday!

    Karen - I'll try to be patient. Seems I'm patient with everyone but myself!

  7. We may have been "losing weight" for years, but to be honest, we were never consistent. So that's the challenge! Let's work on the consistency. We can do it!

  8. How many times a week do you weigh lady?? I don't know about you but more than once a week makes me nuts! I can ruin my day in a two second wait for numbers to pop up. I have kind of cooled off on the weighing thing to about every two weeks because I don't lose instantly like I used to. It takes a week or more for the results to show up, and I am extra sensitive to water retention with lots of sugar or salt consumption. Give yourself a break. Put that thing in the trunk of your car, and bring it in for a scheduled weigh in. Scales may be reality, but they are also dangerous when used frequently!!

  9. It sounds like you going though some very positive changes...a metamorphosis. I love reading about some one's loss, and honestly think that you should "brag" whenever there is a positive event n your life, on or off the scale!

    I know I am not anywhere near the goal I made when I started blogging, but I have learned that, at least for me, weight loss is going to be slower that I hoped. As long as it is permanent this times, I am OK with that.

  10. Hi Tena,
    I'm fairly new as a reader but I feel a shift in your postings. A shift of awareness and confidence that 'sounds/reads' wonderful. I think the direction you are facing and moving towards is the perfect place for you to be. It seems to me that you are taking stewardship of your life (that your mind, soul, and weight coming along for the ride* is the bonus). I feel pride in knowing you and being part of your journey. Please have patience with yourself, the wait will be worth it I'm sure.
    It is so nice to see a post like this from you!
    Congrats on you!