Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Moody State of Mind

Went for a ride on my bike today and started crying. Kind of out of the blue and can't really put my finger on why I started to cry (could be pms, sorry if any guys are reading) but I've been in a moody state of mind lately. I really want to lose weight but what I want more is to change my life.

Of course, I always think that when I lose THE weight, my life will change automatically. You know, I'll go out more. Make more friends. Go kayaking or canoeing and not be afraid I'll not fit in the kayak or canoe. Take dancing lessons. These are all things I'd like to be doing NOW but can't imagine myself doing them in this hefty body.

I've secluded myself socially because I don't like how I look. I remember when I was thin and attractive and people noticed me. Now I don't want people to notice me. I turn down invitations to things because I don't like how I look. I'm always thinking that they must be judging me by my size. Let's face it, there is something about a fat person that makes people think they are lazy and that they must eat all day long. Well, I don't really think of myself that way, but I know some people do so I just avoid putting myself in the public eye.

I try to picture my life when I've lost more weight and I just don't see much of a change. My mom will still live with me and I'll go to work every week and my time off will not be my own. So what's the point of losing weight? Who cares anyway? I'm just somebody's daughter and somebody's mother. I don't know how to be me anymore. And I think I'm afraid of who she might turn out to be.

This was a depressing post, but I don't have too many people in my life that I trust to tell my true feelings to. I need somewhere to let it out.


  1. This whole weight loss thing is *very* emotional. I get what you're saying. It can be scary at times, but still worth it. Hang in there!

  2. Aww, hang in there. I think we all feel that way at times. Just get up in the morning and do it all again. Break the cycle.

  3. I think it's great that you've got somewhere to let it all hang out. This is a rough road... mentally, physically, emotionally. It helps to have support along the way.

  4. Hugs, chica.

    Figuring out who we are when we've been defined by other people for so long can be daunting. I'm on the same journey myself. Just continue to do good things for yourself and understand that you deserve some time of your own to do with as you wish.

    I'll tell you like I had to tell myself last week - I have no idea what people are thinking. Chances are "they" aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. And even if they are? So what. That says more about them than it does about you.

    Carve out some Tena time and space and the rest will follow.

  5. It is so sad to hear you feeling this way. I can honestly say that to me you are a friend. I have no idea of how you look and nor do I care. I love your sense of humour, your courage and your skill (writing and getting across what you want people to hear...)
    What you describe as 'Monday State of Mind' in my life is 'Summer State of Mind'...Due to the clothing issue. And the freckled, white, scarred skin that summer shows to everyone (I am afraid that my man will compare me as harshly as I do to those tanned, lean limbed girls out there...)And of course the weight!
    I really hope that you feel valued and know that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Your comments on my blog have saved my self esteem numerous times!
    I wish I had some real advice to share. I don't. But I do understand how you feel because I am there most days myself.
    Spend some time doing something just for you...
    When I am fretting too much I think of NieNie (link on my blog to hers...) Tonight Andrew and I walked past a gorgeous girl and my stomach lurched. In my head I said "NieNie". Her story has helped me value the beauty we all have, reguardless of appearance.
    Lots of words there...
    Take Care.

  6. Oh gosh, this post made me want to cry. :-( I am where you are right now, my heart goes out to you dear lady. Many hugs.

  7. Oh Tena, I am so sorry for the tears and sadness. Cammy made a post during her vacation about how she regretted putting things off until she lost weight...I hope you can read it.

    With out even thinking I started to type , "Wow, you are carrying quite a load with your mom, your job, and being a mom." And I guess that is what you are really saying is the weight of all these responsibilities is related to the weight that you want to lose.

    But I know I couldn't care less if you weighed two tons and had green skin and pink eyes. You are a beautiful soul and I would be so proud to be your friend, any place, any time. I bet there are a lot of people around you that feel the same, and very few that think the way you fear they do. Most of those people are thinking their nose is too big or wondering if they have BO or just trying not to say something stupid.

    Sleep well, and I hope tomorrow brings a happier state of mind.

  8. {{{Tena}}} hugs to you. I understand what you're feeling. Let it out. We're here for you.

  9. I totally understand your feelings. We all feel like that. I think it's great that you're letting these feelings come out, instead of stuffing them down. Weight loss is a time of physical release AND emotional detoxification.

    You are, and have always been, worth the effort. Sure, not everything in your life may change, but you will have learned to be good to yourself. That's huge!

  10. I'm so sorry you've got the blues! For what it's worth, I've felt the same way in the past. Now that I've gotten past that (mostly), I know that not all the changes happen on the outside. A lot of it is internal, and I sometimes think that those changes are more difficult than the physical ones.

    The bottom line is that you have value NOW. If you never lost another pound or dropped another inch from your waistline, you are still a good person and VERY MUCH worth knowing. You DESERVE to live a full and rich life NOW.

    I'm beginning to sound like a televangelist. :) But I mean well. Hang tough, keep the faith, and you WILL work through the blues-y times.

  11. the hardest part about weight loss is learning how to love yourself and believe in yourself. as hard as it is to go out with friends, it may be just what you need. You will realize that they aren't going to judge you on weight. you are a wonderful person(from reading your blog at least :)) and you deserve a rewarding life. Weight loss will follow happiness, not the other way around.

  12. First and foremost I want to say that my thoughts are with you as you work through these feelings and thoughts.

    Secondly, I want to say thank you for your honesty on here. As I read your post, I literally stopped reading because some things about myself were startingly clear. I sequestered myself for years because of my weight, not allowing myself to have many friendships or do many activities because of it and as I struggle to lose (sadly enough even gaining) I realized that I expected my life to just automatically correct itself when I lost the weight and when it didn't I lost my 'mojo' and started gaining.

  13. I was forwarded your blog from a blogger friend after some discussion on the same topic. Appreciate your honestly and putting your feelings out there. I understand completely! Been through it and know through out the journey the feelings will constantly surface over and over again.

  14. I cannot tell you how true this is for me. I have isolated myself from having friends at all because I am not sure I will be accepted. I just don't try. I know I am likeable because I have friends from the past, and people who I come in contact with now love me- but I don't even want to try, and don't feel like someone without weight loss struggles could even relate to me... This is good stuff that you posted about and I am glad that you talked about it.