Went for a ride on my bike today and started crying. Kind of out of the blue and can't really put my finger on why I started to cry (could be pms, sorry if any guys are reading) but I've been in a moody state of mind lately. I really want to lose weight but what I want more is to change my life.
Of course, I always think that when I lose THE weight, my life will change automatically. You know, I'll go out more. Make more friends. Go kayaking or canoeing and not be afraid I'll not fit in the kayak or canoe. Take dancing lessons. These are all things I'd like to be doing NOW but can't imagine myself doing them in this hefty body.
I've secluded myself socially because I don't like how I look. I remember when I was thin and attractive and people noticed me. Now I don't want people to notice me. I turn down invitations to things because I don't like how I look. I'm always thinking that they must be judging me by my size. Let's face it, there is something about a fat person that makes people think they are lazy and that they must eat all day long. Well, I don't really think of myself that way, but I know some people do so I just avoid putting myself in the public eye.
I try to picture my life when I've lost more weight and I just don't see much of a change. My mom will still live with me and I'll go to work every week and my time off will not be my own. So what's the point of losing weight? Who cares anyway? I'm just somebody's daughter and somebody's mother. I don't know how to be me anymore. And I think I'm afraid of who she might turn out to be.
This was a depressing post, but I don't have too many people in my life that I trust to tell my true feelings to. I need somewhere to let it out.